Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
