There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
