I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
