i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Randomize
