things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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