My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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