you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
