the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
