And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
