Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
