You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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