Got a toothbrush?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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