In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish my penis had a tongue
a search helicopter?!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
