After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
jump out the window naked night went bad
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
