Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
