I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
