im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He shit in the fireplace
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
