Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
