had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
