I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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