saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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