M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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