My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
