this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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