If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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