I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
