i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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