Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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