Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
