I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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