Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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