If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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