I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
