He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
