I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
