i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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