True but thats because hes a fetus.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
