you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
