cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
