I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
