Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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