Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
