it was like his penis was on wheels.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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