mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
