just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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