watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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