the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize