I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
