guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
