Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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