Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
