I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
