i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
where are my eyebrows?
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