I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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