Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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