I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
