I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Randomize