i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
