A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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