My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
