Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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