I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
