I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
