Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
They took my balls.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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