I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
