Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
