The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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